So, here we are on the eve of our pre-pre-deployment and I have to say I’d be lying if I didn’t admit to being a little bit worried. Oh, I could be all wah-wah about it but that’d be counterproductive to what I NEED to be, which is strong. Wait, no… it’s STRONG… all capitalized with several underlines and a few exclamation points. I’m not worried so much about my husband being able to do his job when he’s ‘there’. There… such a foreign place in my mind. All I see is blown up rubble, people with dirty faces, and sand in their butt-cracks (ok, I can’t SEE the sand there… but I’m assuming). I keep trying to picture it as a bad beach vacation… but instead I see the training pictures in my head… my husband leaning over the badly hurt body of another as he tries futilely to save the other person’s life.
But thoughts such as those don’t help. Instead, I try to focus on the positives of him leaving. The sooner he leaves, the sooner he returns. While he’s gone I get most of the bed (the baby is still co-sleeping and we don’t want to stop co-sleeping until we find out why he stops breathing at night). I can re-arrange the house however I please… which right now I’m thinking the bed at a different angle so that I can see the TV better. Not that the TV matters. I rarely watch it when he’s gone. Part of me is afraid of seeing something I don’t want to think about, such as a movie like Black Hawk Down or Saving Private Ryan.
I’ve tried working on my book, countless times, but each time my mind wanders to places I’d rather it not go. The heroine and everyone ends up dead and it’s just not pretty. And part of me thinks that maybe it’s not fair to my characters to take out my frustrations on them, but it’s better I take my frustrations out on them versus my kids.
Speaking of which, I think that scares me even more… going from co-parenting five kids, to single-parenting the kids. I have five of them, 12, 11, 9, 6, and 1, and I have a daytime play buddy I keep who is 2. His dad’s going where my kids’ dad is going, doing the same thing, so it’s kind of kismet that we ended up together. At least from 8-6, I’m busy with two toddlers which if anyone’s done this know it is very busy. I’m thinking I might want to try and get a play-date together, but then the idea of meeting strange women I don’t know scares the peepers out of me.
Instead, I plan on becoming an introvert (more so than I already am). I’m hoping to avoid depression (and the anger) with the use of a cranial electrotherapy stimulator (CES). I have it on right now because I am finding that I’m angry and it’s not really anyone’s fault. But I am angry… and at least I can identify that feeling at the moment, even if I don’t know why I am angry. I think it might actually be more frustration that I can’t even pee alone, haven’t for a long time, and sometimes all a person wants to do is pee alone.
This month (February) will be a taste of what it will be like to single parent five kids (plus one). When the kids were only counting four, I did it fine for three months, but that was different. They were all in school, so I had hours of ‘me’ time to do as I pleased. I joined a gym, hung out at bookstores, and just enjoyed myself. Now, I have two toddlers… one 10 hours a day, five days a week, and the other 24 hours a day, seven days a week. Never. Ever. Getting. A. Break.
And God, sometimes we need a break… all of us.
I don’t know that a month can truly prepare us for this spring-summer-ish… and a whole year or so of being a single mom. I hope I can handle it with grace, and don’t hit the box of wine…